Who’s Blad? A Piss Fable Starring Tycho Brahe

 

A tale of honor, hubris, and holding it in too long…

Once upon a time, in the court of Emperor Rudolf II — known to some as the Holy Roman Emperor, and to others (mainly us) as The Pimp King — a banquet was held.

It was opulent. Candles for days, like we’re talkin Liberace-grade levels of utter classiness. Gobs of goblets of fermented whatever, each goblet more fermented than the one before it. People wore ruffled collars so wide they couldn’t even see their neighbors’ asses. The reason? A celebration in honor of Tycho Brahe’s brother, who had just landed a major promotion at Spatula City.

Brahe, a famed Danish stargazer and partial-nose-haver, was in attendance. He was brilliant. He was refined. He was… full of recycled wawa.

But as we all know, etiquette was the second most important law in the court of The Pimp King. Other than the Fluffy Collar / Neighbors’ Ass Corollary, which was of course the first law of The Pimp King’s jungle. The partygoers were scandalized that any bladder had such gall.

“One does not relieve one’s self during a royal feast,” they whispered to our starstruck friend.

“If you rise, you’ll be hung by your dickhole from the tallest tree in all the land — for all to laugh at.”

So Brahe held it. And held it. For 7 seconds (to Mars). Then 7 hours (to Uranus). Then to the moon and back. Then, too long. He began crying urine. Snotting Bristol 9s - that’s not even a thing! 

But… He refused to rise. He feared it would offend the emperor.

Then — tragedy.

His bladder burst. Some say it didn’t kiss on the first date. Others say every drop went into The Pimp King’s royal Hawaiian Punch fountain.

The guests panicked.

They tried mouth-to-blad resuscitation.

Half the room was already dead. The other half ate them for dessert.

A few days later, Tycho was gone.

Not from the stars. From his own bladder’s bad manners.

Historians agree: his dedication to etiquette proved fatal.

And most people don’t know this story until someone like you tells them.

So now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.