Lazy-Ass Losers: 10 Uglyish Pieces

1. Rodrigo – The Baby Carrot Spanish Speaker

This walking HR violation introduced himself by calling his penis a “baby carrot.” Consent was a foreign language to him — yeah, he did a lot of uncool things… then he ghosted like the lowlife assbutton he is. You’d think someone this emotionally stunted would at least have a little crunch, but nerpppp — soggy & spineless, hardly a treat for this hungry bunny. 10/10 regret. Would block again.

2. Sad Sack Pancakes

Imagine if a depressive IHOP menu item came to life & lied about having a dead wife while dripping syrupy sweet tears. This guy has a face like a stack of soggy pancakes, syrupy hair that begs for a rinse, & a butter-pat mystery spot that glistens with desolate greasy sorrow. He showed me “photos” of his “dead baby” — straight off Shutterstock over a year ago & HE STILL THINKS I BELIEVE IT! His trauma is about as real as his dating prospects.

3. Mark – The Snapchat Diva

This man threw an actual tantrum because I didn’t respond to his Snapchat stories and because other dudes were saying things like hello to me. I told him I don’t use the app much & he acted like I spat Tabasco sauce directly on his anus. Sir, I do not owe you my bandwidth, my eyeballs, or my time. This isn’t high school. Grow up, eat a good nutritious bag of dicks, delete Snapchat, & maybe consider therapy. Actually, definitely consider therapy.

4. Dickbutt Jeff

He stood me up, begged for a second chance, then ghosted again — all while being the loyal sex lackey to his ex. He was his wife’s wingman at a My Chemical Romance cover band concert. Why does such a thing exist even? OH YEAH. For people like Dickbutt Jeff who thinks he’s edgy af for getting flash tattooed on him. Picture the charisma of a toilet & the romantic energy of uncooked rice. He’s the kind of man who’d Venmo his ex for the privilege of being her footstool while bragging that his tattoos are somehow… idk, worth mentioning at all?

5. NailPolish Nate

A floating log, minding his beeswax in this swamp of fools. He wore polished nails, rocked pizza-print panties, & delivered just enough spice to be human. One of the few here worth a damn. He’s a reason to believe in bisexual chaos, good lighting, and humans who color coordinate.

6. Grover – The Theater Gaslighter

This wannabe cinema villain confessed proudly to playing mind games like I was a horrible bitch who forced his hand by believing the shit he said… then this fuckfool ghosted when I said I don’t feel comfortable with strangers trying to speedrun intimacy. Literally was like “I can’t be attracted to people by texting, and I have to get to know someone before spending time and money and cashing in safe call favors meeting them.” Dude. You work in a theater, not a Christopher Nolan film. Calm down & maybe stop dating like it’s a Choose Your Own Manipulation story.

7. Elon Musk’s Bangmaid

EMB is all halitosis & male expectations. Sent me horny texts out of nowhere, disappeared for months, then got salty I kinda forgot him, was very upset that I didn’t miss him. We hung out ONE TIME months and months prior (notable serious quote: “I wore these pants so you’d think I’m cool.”)  He slut shamed me WHILE HE tried to sext me. It wasn’t a sexy “ooh baby you’re a naughty slut” kind of deal. It was like “you’re humoring me by saying you’d consider this thing???  wow, I don’t think I can date a woman who’d be ok with doing !!!THAT!!!” Good. Fuck off then kid. Truly the budget bin of The Apps — expired, dented, & moldy with stink. Like he literally didn’t smell good.

8. Mr Wolfie – My Bittersweet Heartbreaker

Honestly? The hottest & sweetest guy I met in California. So much fun to play Stardew with. He moved to an undisclosed location to become an army guy, took my heart with him, & managed to be respectful while doing it. I miss him sometimes — but I hope he’s out there making someone else’s life better. In the meantime maaaaybe he can push my buttons. Idk.

9. The Sperm øf Fishes 

The phrase “the sperm of fishes” in a glossary made me howl with laughter when I read an aquarium book in 4th grade. Never thought about fish jizz til that day, and rarely now do I think of TSØF. This fuckfool adored me for a day while I reacted with an emphatic “sup kid,” then ghosted instantly back into the ocean mist. Honestly? I don’t even know what he looked like. Just one of a million sperm who thought he was the one. Joke’s on him — I’m the egg that got away.

10. UBS – Ugly Boring Steve

A human doorstop with the emotional range of a dead tooth. He was briefly obsessed — as they all are — then got upset I didn’t want to talk for hours each day. He was legit upset that I had a job and ate dinner without talking on the phone. Dude ghosted like a confused sim. No personality, no spark, no sense — just a sentient shrug. Calling him boring is an insult to boring shit.