the abcs of tinder

why would you match with someone who thinks you’re… 

an asshole, 

a bastard, 

a cockass, 

a dickbutt, 

an enema bag filled with maple syrup, 

a fart with eyelashes, 

a gallon of rancid ranch dressing, 

a hole full of worms, 

an infestation of white baby roaches, 

a jug of herp-infected semen from the set of that porn your ex liked, 

a killjoy, 

a lump that’s growing where one should not grow, 

a mound of something deeply unpleasant, 

a noxious gas, 

an onanistic ogler, 

a pustule, 

a quimful of paper cuts, 

a rake, 

a schvantz, 

a toad’s assfull of nonsense, 

a uvula pimple, 

a vulva pimple, 

a wart with an infinite number of horrific bursting chambers, 

an x-tra big douchebag (sorry), 

a yutz, 

a zillion contagious viruses.