freshly milked newz: slampigs can't resist footless coworker stories

dead milkman update: oops, all assclown edition. 

we set plans but neither of us could wait. i told dead milkman to come over after work for a quick vibe check. i figured we’d sit on my lawn, chill, and just see if we click. if it went well, we could do a “real” date later.

i legit caught a crush, and started thinking maybe life isn't that bad if someone cool like this can exist. even if we didnt hit it off, i felt like we'd really connected and he was the kind of person i'd be cool hanging and smoking with.

i was cautiously optimistic. so my whole shit was like…. i’d had such shitty luck dead milkman better not be a letdown because the build-up is kinda perfect.

however — the date imploded before it even began.

vibe was immediately off when he got there. verbally, he was awesome and funny, but his body language screamed, “get the furk away from me.” he wouldn’t even shake my hand.

i felt myself getting shy and awkward because like dude… if you don't like me, say bye so i can go the fuck back in my house instead of annoying my neighbors at late o' clock. 

buuuut nooooo. dead milkman sat as far away from me as humanly possible on the lawn. then dead milkman said, “you’d be fine as a homie i guess, but i can’t date you because you’re 2 years older.” two. years.

smiling like he was proud of himself for finding a good reason tho he was obviously uninterested as soon as he saw me. this was at the end of the date, or what i thought was the end. i showed tons of ugly pics so what’s the problem? like, congratulations, sir, you’ve declared a 2-year gap insurmountable because you’re a shallow little prick.

mind you: dead milkman, with 2 baby mamas, no serious relationships, and a twitter/x/whatever bio that prob says “democracy enjoyer 🌹.” not exactly in a position to be calling me undateable. i am an academic writer, and create fine art. your oat milk box job is your only personality. to old-ass conservative nerds, he’s that bad boy with that idiot mohawk. to everyone else, he’s just another milk dork tryna be sooper koolz. ai cows are more impressed by phyl's hair than this pricklet's. i code in 5 languages. ai cows like people who can virtually feed them, not your bullshit sir. 

phyllis has a cool hairstyle too. 

so dead milkman talked for another goddamned fucking hour, NOT sitting next to me, NOT even looking me in the eye, rambling meaninglessly about... this idiotic story of a guy at work who got his feets chopped off due to dumbshit negligence. he's laughing. my neighbors have kids, and his fucking bullshit is loud... as. i kept waiting for his stories to end... waiting... waiting. they didn't. 

so then i’m like… “okay yeah, soooo... it's getting late... what do you wanna do?" yawning, stretching, like begging him with my eyes -- or continuing to beg -- him to gtfo.

so then he says, "well like i said, you'd be great as a friend... but..." 

i hated having to keep interrupting, but letting him drone was aging me even more. literally the only spit i got in my mouth that week & it wasn't even from a young hottie, boo fuckin hoo lawl. 

so i'm all "i got that the first time. why you still here?” 

he rambled about how he liked that i was “compassionate” or something equally basic, but we just couldnt work out cuz i was so geriatric. but there was soooooooo much he likes about me… really there was...!

did dead milkman think i’d reward him for making the trip & stabbing my brain over his footless coworker with a nocturnal blowie on my lawn? he knew i was sad and absolutely dashed by every person i'd met. even the ones who liked how i looked. everyone was just garbage.

besides, giving blowies doesnt make me come. touching my crotch does. and if you talk about how you want your orgasm before i talk about how i want mine... you lose. XD

i cut him off: “i don’t care what you like. fucking ageist.”

he shrugs and does his stupid little aww-shucks grin and goes “i’m a traditional guy.” with his fucking mohawk and genetic altruism. 😆 i legitimately think that he thought i was now desperate enough to bend over for some rando who thought she was unacceptable dating material. that is theeeeeeeeeee least-woke and most predatory behavior i've ever heard. i don't get political here much, but isn't that like... by definition utter bigotry, something wokeness is supposed to say is yucky? regardless of one's political affiliation, hope yinz can see the hypocrisy in this. like oh my god jay. he should be ashamed, but nope, because he's a traditional guy.

to be fully fair: i put random ages into the apps all the time. i've been 90, i've been 50, when i was a kid i always put 34 when i trolled. from now on, i am doubling my age on dating sites until i die. i don't want spitty children or married dirty old men hassling me. i hadnt considered i was misleading anybunny. i feel awful about that in hindsight, and i wish i'd had a bit more emotional wherewithal to explain that. but he didn't say a word about that. it flew right under his radar, because i guess lying isn't as bad as being only doable enough to be friends with (because you know, he meant that he'd be clingy and up my ass, in a genuine friend way -- not never call me again  😆). but lesson learned, message received. i updated my bios and changed my ways.

however, you should’ve seen his eyes when i told him the last 2 relationships i had were with grownups at least a bit younger than him. he looked like he was going to puke. grown-ass adults, mind you. how precious and fragile the uncivilized barbaric ytmane is when removed from his natural habitat (idiot land). it’s okay for men to date younger, but not women? why should my dick pool shrink when his pussy pool expands? 

#TeamPussyPool <-- make it happen

#TeamPussyPool <-- make it happen

#TeamPussyPool <-- make it happen

#TeamPussyPool <-- make it happen

wanna take this to twitter? please, please, please, lets talk bout it on twitter. because kiddo, i know that your fellow ytmane elon musk be agreein HARD with you. mayhaps he'll ban me for tweeting a link to this story. XD

so dead milkman goes, “i guess i’d better go,” and i was like, “yeah, that’s fucking best." i’d wanted him gone ever since he'd refused to even shake my hand.

wasted way too much time thinking he was a person. are you shocked that he still tried to wade in my pussy pool? 

cuz i am.

i didnt realize it until Jill said she thinks he was jonesing for a slampig blowie. what a turd. see you next tuesday!