Buttcheeks Evolution Paper

The internet has recently unveiled a corker of a find: a two-act (and arguably three-part, frfrfr) scientific narrative exploring the gluteus maximus's surprisingly significant role in human evolution. This exploration, presented in a style reminiscent of a David Attenborough documentary but seasoned with a hefty dose of happy 😆 horseshit, offers a new hot take on a serious topic.

Act I: From Tree Huggers to Upright Walkers

The narrative kicks off with an account of early hominids (drunk primates with a mobility problem), their bipedal attempts a caveman quandary of epic proportions. One genetically gifted individual, fueled by fermented fruit (and hello, what's this?), attempts upright walking—a momentous occasion, narrated with Attenborough-esque gravitas. This initial attempt, a corker of a failure, resulted in many a yeetsome tumble. The gluteus maximus emerged as the unsung hero, preventing countless ass-vs.-ground scenarios. Hominids with hella weak sauce glutes were simply actual garbage at bipedalism; their efforts were, to put it mildly, poop stains on the moon. They didn’t evolve into humans - only the ones with extra ass did! More in the next ass-stallment!