Corpse Lore! 1805 Sucking the Monkey
let’s hear a gnarly-ass corpse juice tale! ecks dee!
some sailors got booze blueborlz so bad they drank alcohol that had been preserving a dead guy! (like that one time when we did that thing, but waaaayyy worse-ass.)
here’s what happened… napoleon's j1zzing over his stanky dessert brie one night in 1805 when he's like "let's attacccc britain!" he sends his friend admiral pierre-charles-jean-baptiste-silvestre de villeneuve (holy sh1t thiccccname) to handle it.
across the river king george finds out about this and is like “fuck no they can’t win us, they’re assclowns!” and then he calls up his dude admiral nelson, this one-eyed, one-armed sauce boss who stunts more war medals than a military parade. they cook up a plan to say see you next tuesday to the french naval invaลพe.
nelson's out there being all extra af but then he gets shot in the back & through his shouldie. his bff hardy's all "wahw!!" and nelson's like "kiss me hardy!" (jk, ermagerd, almost went full beetlejuice yaoi there). the doctor's basically like "yeah yer fucked, thoughts and prayers, asshole" and nelson yeets this mortal coil.
they preserve his bod in brandy cuz that's all they had (yikes on bikes). meanwhile, apcjbs villeneuve gets gun blueborlz when his suicide attempt fails. i believe that apcjbs villeneuve does get captured by the british. 16 french ships sunk. the british won but lost 1500 brave seamen (thanks brave seamen, rest in power, pouring one out for my seamen).
here's where it gets narsty - the sailors be looking at this brandy with their admiral’s corpse marinating in it like it's the last can of rockstar black in existence. and though cannibalism is ever so deliciously taboo (though in my blog, it's more like just another see you next tuesday heh), they blurred those boundaries and submitted to their hedonistic desires by imbibing brandy that had been more than just mildly kissed with a pure raw human corpse decomp fluids. chefs kiss! it’s more like getting drunk and frenching the grim reaper (which i have technically done! /flex) ๐
according to the fancy intellectual documentary i watched (ok, it was drunk history!) this cadre of corpse-thirsty sailors referred to this act by a secret code name. they called the act of drinking the icky ichor "sucking the monkey" which is probz the most metal thing i've heard since my bad date with racist tommy and his cringey-ass pirate metal band.
so now I want to put Corpse Juice Brandy on my Amazon wishlist cuz yodo! ๐คฎ ๐
here’s what happened… napoleon's j1zzing over his stanky dessert brie one night in 1805 when he's like "let's attacccc britain!" he sends his friend admiral pierre-charles-jean-baptiste-silvestre de villeneuve (holy sh1t thiccccname) to handle it.
across the river king george finds out about this and is like “fuck no they can’t win us, they’re assclowns!” and then he calls up his dude admiral nelson, this one-eyed, one-armed sauce boss who stunts more war medals than a military parade. they cook up a plan to say see you next tuesday to the french naval invaลพe.
nelson's out there being all extra af but then he gets shot in the back & through his shouldie. his bff hardy's all "wahw!!" and nelson's like "kiss me hardy!" (jk, ermagerd, almost went full beetlejuice yaoi there). the doctor's basically like "yeah yer fucked, thoughts and prayers, asshole" and nelson yeets this mortal coil.
they preserve his bod in brandy cuz that's all they had (yikes on bikes). meanwhile, apcjbs villeneuve gets gun blueborlz when his suicide attempt fails. i believe that apcjbs villeneuve does get captured by the british. 16 french ships sunk. the british won but lost 1500 brave seamen (thanks brave seamen, rest in power, pouring one out for my seamen).
here's where it gets narsty - the sailors be looking at this brandy with their admiral’s corpse marinating in it like it's the last can of rockstar black in existence. and though cannibalism is ever so deliciously taboo (though in my blog, it's more like just another see you next tuesday heh), they blurred those boundaries and submitted to their hedonistic desires by imbibing brandy that had been more than just mildly kissed with a pure raw human corpse decomp fluids. chefs kiss! it’s more like getting drunk and frenching the grim reaper (which i have technically done! /flex) ๐
according to the fancy intellectual documentary i watched (ok, it was drunk history!) this cadre of corpse-thirsty sailors referred to this act by a secret code name. they called the act of drinking the icky ichor "sucking the monkey" which is probz the most metal thing i've heard since my bad date with racist tommy and his cringey-ass pirate metal band.
so now I want to put Corpse Juice Brandy on my Amazon wishlist cuz yodo! ๐คฎ ๐
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